Conquering Despair

Alma 5

I live with a chronic illness that keeps me pretty much housebound.  It is a constant, daily struggle to remain positive and upbeat.  Despair is waiting, every day, just outside the door.  And sometimes it seeps in and overcomes me.

Such was my day yesterday.  It settled in, and I wallowed in the darkness all day long.  I prayed.  I listened to conference talks.  I tried my mindless pursuits of watching TV and silly computer games.  I prayed some more.

It didn't lift.  I doubted my faith.  How could I keep falling back into despair?  Why was I unable to maintain meek submissiveness like a child?  Why was I not long-suffering and patient.  Why was I unable to carry this burden, shoulder this disease with grace and dignity?

I had no answers, and sleep was a welcome relief by the time night fell.  But I woke up today, and the feelings remained.

As my husband was giving me the sacrament at home yesterday, the words that stood out to me were "always remember him."  I realized that I had not remembered Him at all.  I didn't remember that my Savior had descended below all things, and more importantly, that He had already borne these particular burdens of mine.  Although I had prayed, I did not specifically come unto Christ and ask him to help me with this.

So, today I decided to try to do better.  I started my day with my scripture reading, which is focused on coming to Christ.

v. 6 And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, you that belong to this church, have you sufficiently retained in ^aremembrance the captivity of your fathers? Yea, and have you sufficiently retained in remembrance his mercy and long-suffering towards them? And moreover, have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance that he has ^bdelivered their souls from hell?

Ah, there's that word again, remembrance.

v. 13 And behold, he ^apreached the word unto your fathers, and a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts, and they humbled themselves and put their ^btrust in the true and ^cliving God. And behold, they were faithful until the ^dend; therefore they were saved.

I'm a list kind of girl.  I like to know, step by step, what I'm supposed to do.  I so want a change in my heart, to lift the despair and let peace and joy reside there once again.  How am I to do it?  By 1. humbling myself, 2. trusting in God, and 3. being faithful.

Trusting in God is an important step.  Of course I'm humble, this illness compels me to be humble.  Trusting in God means that He knows the reasons behind this illness, He knows why I have not yet been healed, He knows exactly what I need to become more like Him and to become fit for the kingdom.  He knows the day and the hour of my deliverance.  I need to trust in Him and wait.

v. 16 I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye ^ablessed, for behold, your works have been the works of righteousness upon the face of the earth?

Well, right now, um, no.  How can my works be works of righteousness when my heart is darkened by despair?  There is no room for the voice of the Spirit to guide me.  There is only wallowing and wandering and a desperate attempt to merely survive the onslaught.

v. 40 For I say unto you that whatsoever is ^agood cometh from God, and whatsoever is ^bevil cometh from the devil.

I know the source of my despair.  It is not from my Heavenly Father, who wants me to find joy in every season.  Satan must laugh during days like these, because he has me bound.  I am no good, to myself or to others.

v. 59 For what shepherd is there among you having many sheep doth not watch over them, that the wolves enter not and devour his flock? And behold, if a wolf enter his ^aflock doth he not drive him out? Yea, and at the last, if he can, he will destroy him.

v. 60 And now I say unto you that the good shepherd doth call after you; and if you will hearken unto his voice he will bring you into his fold, and ye are his sheep; and he commandeth you that ye suffer no ravenous wolf to enter among you, that ye may not be destroyed.

The Lord is my shepherd.  If I come unto Him, He will drive the ravenous wolves out of my heart.  He will not suffer that I be destroyed.

Today I will remember Him.  I will cry unto Him often, asking Him to let me take His yoke upon me, that my burdens will not feel so heavy upon my shoulders.  I will pray.  I will talk to Him.  I will share my pain, my frustration, my sorrow.  I will ask Him to help me drive the wolves away.  I will find some good to do.  I will let Him wrought a mighty change in my heart.

Beware of Pride

Mosiah 4
Beware Of Pride by Ezra Taft Benson


"Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance. (See Mosiah 3:11; 3 Ne. 6:18.) In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby. (See 2 Ne. 4:15; Mosiah 1:3–7; Alma 5:61.)

"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means 'hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.' It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.
Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of 'my will and not thine be done.' As Paul said, they 'seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.' (Philip. 2:21.)"

It's interesting how, when you are studying a topic, you are led to other sources that help you understand, that deepen the meaning of what you are learning.  I have been wanting to know by what yardstick I can measure my journey in coming unto Christ.  And I think I've been largely on track: I will know if my love towards others is increasing, and it will be evident in the service I render to others.

The article I found on pride reveals the obstacles that Satan places to distract me from that goal.  Pride makes me feel superior to others, justifies me in not reaching out to people who "deserve" their situation.  It keeps me from humbling myself and submitting to my own circumstances, no matter how challenging they may be.  It encourages me to push my own agenda rather than listening to find out what God has planned for me.

Funny, how much you find that needs to change once you decide it's time to change.

Action items:  Pray to be humble.  Ask to know God's will, and accept it.  Pray to see opportunities to be kind.  Identify judgmental thoughts and correct them.

Gratitude

Mosiah 2

As I started my scripture study this morning, I was thinking about how I could tell if I am "coming unto Christ."  What changes would I expect to see?  How would I be different?  The answer that came to mind would be that I would have a greater love for people.  The way that I would show my love would be through service.

v. 17  And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn ^awisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the ^bservice of your ^cfellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

So, I think that my desire to be kinder, to find ways to act kindly towards others is a step in the right direction.  Another way that I think I can tell if I am coming unto Christ is if I grow in gratitude.

King Benjamin pointed out that we are already indebted to God because He gave us life and all the opportunities that life brings.  Then, God has commanded us to keep His commandments, which if we do, He immediately blesses us.  So we remain indebted still.  I think that coming unto Christ would awaken a sense of that indebtedness.  Especially as I think about the atonement and the great sacrifice that my Savior made for me.  It makes me feel of His love.  It makes my own love grow.

This month, with Thanksgiving approaching, reminds us of the many blessings we are grateful for.  But I don't think I should need a reminder.  I should feel gratitude the way that I feel love for my husband and children, naturally and without force.

Hm.  Something to think about, something to watch.